Golf Jokes of the Week

Submitted by Curt Mesler

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
   ~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
   ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
  ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is — he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
   ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them
   ~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par..
   ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
   ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree..
  ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
  ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
  ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
  ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground..
   ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
   ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
  ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
  ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf..
   ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
   ~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
   ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
  ~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
   ~ Lee Trevino

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

Italian Golfer

A Catholic priest , a doctor, a rich businessman, and an Italian Guy from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian Guy from New York fumed, "What's with those frickin' jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The rich businessman called out, "Move it, time is money!"

The Catholic priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them."

The rich businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the firefighters union in honor of these brave soul!"

The Italian guy from New York said, "Why the fuck can't they play at night?"

The Frog and Golf

A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong,
puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks
the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."

"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin.
So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."