In a departure from our weekly match, Bill "Mr. FourSkin" Cockey took part in a charity event not sponsored by the BGA. Of course someone else paid his entry fees. This event and his sensational shotmaking earned him yet another nickname...
Playing in this charity scramble event Bill sprang for a couple of $20 mulligans and a few articles of golf apparel. After all it was for a good cause. However, since he didn't have to pay for his entry fee, Mr. Fourskin has no idea who he actually was contributing to. He did, however, remember that he had informed his wife, the lovely and talented Mrs. FourSkin, that it was a freebie for him as he approached the Hole-In-One Challenge. Being a realist he knew he could not possibly win the $200,000 Aston Martin that was the prize for an ace on the 178 yard par 3 and, besides, he remembered Mrs. FourSkin reprimanding him for wanting to play a certain number on the roulette wheel in Las Vegas a few years ago. Sadly he had forgotten that he would have won $2990 if he had made the bet. This time he choose to "save" $15 and not buy into the hole-in-one challenge. And that decision would change his life forever.
I know what you are thinking, and no, he did not get a hole-in-one. He did, however, earn a new nickname.
Turning down the chance to actually win a car worth $200,000, Bill took dead aim just hoping that he could find the green or at least be somewhere near it for an easy chip shot. With his mind free of any pressure (he knew he would not have to explain to his lovely and talented wife why he had wasted another $15 on such an impossible shot), Bill hit a beautiful, high arcing shot towards the flag. Now, in order to win the car, a hole-in-one had to be verified by 2 people who were stationed at the green. These observers, not knowing that Mr. Cockey had not entered the contest, saw the shot and leaped up and, with camera rolling, ran to the cup to witness and record the remarkable shot as it hit and rolled directly towards the hole stopping a mere two inches from being a miracle. When Bill got there they were excited, telling him it close it had come, that it was the best shot of the tournament, wanting to record his thoughts. Finding out that he had not entered the contest they turned off the camera, said, "Oh, that's a pity," and returned to their chairs to watch and verify "real" attempts at winning an Aston Martin.
At the post-round dinner, Bill received his new name as the master of ceremonies introduced him to applause and cheers as "the two-inch man." Henceforth, Mr. FourSkin will also answer to his nom de golf of "Mr. Two-Inches," certainly a moniker to be proud of.
In the first round of the Valero Open on April 14, 2011, Kevin Na suffered a mind meltdown and proceeded to shoot a PGA record high score of 16 on a par 4. On the surface it would appear that this alone would qualify him for the ranks of the Bad Golfers Association (the BGA). Au contraire, mon frere.
The first reason he fails to qualify is simple...it would be mean-spirited. When John Daly shot an 18 on a par 5 some years back it was reminiscent of that great movie, "Tin Cup." He knew he had that shot and kept trying to hit it. The Commish can sympathize with this because it was a similar situation...
that produced his 16 some years ago. It was only when the score was approaching the record score of a "Johnny U" (number 19, for those unfamiliar with the greatest quarterback to ever put on pads) that he admitted to himself that, "I don't have that shot." Both Big John Daly and The Commish knew what they were doing and kept trying to pull off a shot. Poor Kevin Na was a victim of his own great abilities and thought he was good enough to get out of jail. There is no humor in his plight; John Daly and The Commish deserve to be mocked, not Kevin Na.
For the record, Na ducked hooked his drive into some wicked, thorny trees in Texas. Caddie talked him into re-teeing. Hitting 3, he duck hooked again and then hit a provisional for 5 (if he couldn't find #3). Found his third shot, did not listen to caddie and hit #4. It bounced back and hit him for a penalty, stroke 5. Took a drop for 6. Whiffed 7, moved 8 a few feet, whiffed 9, hit 10 a few more feet, then reached rough with 11. Twelve over the green, thirteen five feet past hole and 14 in. Kevin didn't know how many he hit so they went to the videotape and PGA officials came up with 2 additional strokes in there somewhere. For the record he would have been 4 under for the round, except for that 16. Words like that are oft heard in the BGA locker room. "Except for that Streckfus, the front wasn't too bad."
It's a pity, Mr. Na, but, at this time, you are only qualified to be an auxiliary member.
April 6, 2011 Finally Good Weather, Sadly Bad Golf continued from front page
Sunshine and clear skies seemingly a fine day for golf. Well, at least the weather was good because the golf was certainly lacking. Two pars and a bogey on the opening par 5 "Road Hole" was just a teaser as The Snowman, on the second hole, blew past snow, past El Nino, and Pavoratti all the way to record the season's first Streckfus (an 11 for those not up on BGA terminology).
See The Scribe's Report for BL's method for scoring his 11. For some reason the good weather meant that we couldn't hit drivers very well. Then putting disappeared as the foursome putted out with a dismal 20, 17, 19 and 20 putts for the 9 holes. On the bright side, it appears that our irons were working; particularly the long irons which we needed quite a bit. When it was all said and done 36 total holes of golf produced only 7 pars and 14 scores of 7 or higher. Bring back the rain!
Mar. 30, 2011 Spring? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Spring continued from front page
Last week the weather was so bad that the only players on the course were us, the Intrepid members of the BGA. This week there were even fewer people on the course. No rangers, no starter, no snack bar people, just a lonely guy in the clubhouse to take our greens fee. The weather was that bad.Temperature around 40, a "gentle" breeze, and a pleasing drizzle, but no fog so we teed off and then, on the 4th hole, it happened.
Hail and snow mixed with rain and wind and here we were at the point farthest from the clubhouse. Sadly, the thought of packing it in never crossed our pea-sized brains and Mr. FourSkin won the hole with his clutch 4th putt to record a 7. For the record The Commish, The Snowman, and Mr. Fifteen (also with a 4-putt) all recorded snowmen on the hole. Hint: play for hail to break more to the right than you think. Play continued and for the second week in a row no one broke 50; however, Mr. Fifteen did hit 50 for the season's low round.
Upon arrival at the fabulous Crackpot Restaurant, our regular 19th hole, we were greeted by the drunks, deadbeats and losers mocking us for playing in these conditions. Proudly, we held our wet, dripping heads up high and said, "The tapestry of golf is woven through the fabric of weather." No one understood what we meant so we were left alone to dry out and drink. More of this Tale of Woe appears in The Scribe's Report, a weekly recap of the BGA's play.
Mar. 23, 2011 Opening Day Brings Fog, Rain, and Tornado Warnings
While we couldn't see too far down the fairway because of the fog, the drizzle, and the shivering due to the ice-cold breeze, it did not stop the BGA from teeing off at our appointed hour. The fairway was found by three out of 4 players as The Commish (RS) ended up in the first cut. After the second shots we could see that the flag was on the right side green and in a failed attempt to reach it The Commish hacked his way...
to the season's first double digit, a Pavoratti (a 10) to start the year. Hole #2 produced the season's first penalty (Mr. FourSkin, BC) and the first snowman by The Snowman (BL). RS scored the first par on #4 and the first 4-putt on #5. It took until the final hole, #9, for BC to have the second 4-putt and the first El Nino of the year.
Running from the final green to our cars, we almost beat the tremendous downpour that came complete with thunder and lightning. On the brightside, we played on a private course as no one else braved the elements. There was hail south of the course and snow north of us, so all in all things could have been worse. The Snowman won the season's first lager with a net of 39 while Mr. FourSkin bought the first brew by recording a score that matched his high score from last season, a net 47!
And we waited all winter for this. If you love this game like we do, you understand.
Mar. 7, 2011 Did the BGA Play in the Honda Classic? continued from Front Page
"These Guys Are Good!" is the PGA Tour slogan, and it is usually a very apt description of the way tour players play golf. However, the Tour's stop for The Honda Classic looked strangely like the BGA had entered. The infamous "Bear Trap," ...
holes 15, 16, and 17 produced scores in excess of 500 strokes over par for the 4-day event. Aiding this scorecard explosion was the dunking of more than 12 dozen golf balls (that's more than 144 balls, for those of us who went to public school) into the various ponds and swamps that abound on this course. A very tough tournament, to say the least.
On our worst Myrtle Experience the intrepid golfers of the BGA only lost 125 balls, and we played 108 holes of golf, not 72. Of course there were just the four of us, not a full field of 152 or so. But numbers don't lie. We of the BGA have never released a gross of golf eggs back into their natural environment during a single BGA event. So there.
Feb. 14, 2011 "A Warm Day and A New Idea For Bunker Practice" continued from Front Page
Yesterday was 56 degrees and the ice pack had turned slushy. For the first time in a couple of weeks I could swing a club outdoors and I thought, "Why not practice bunker shots?" Place the ball on a tuft of ice crystals, place my feet on the ground or lower ice flow and it would simulate digging into a bunker, right? Didn't work. Not too surprisingly my footing was unstable; but what surprised me was that when I "exploded" out of the ice I couldn't tell if it was a good shot or not. The ball disappeared in a shower of ice and snow and then it landed in a field of white. White on white is hard to find! Oh well, later this week it is supposed to be in the 60's so maybe the back of winter has been broken. Back to indoors putting. Sure hope the Snowman was right when he didn't see his shadow a couple of weeks ago.